The Lows

I have every intention of balancing this post against a later one entitled "The Highs." But it's not going to happen tonight.

My Christmas usually happens in two stages. The first stage is the actual Christmas Eve/Christmas Day according to the calendar. The second stage is when my sister and her family deign to grace us with their presence. It's probably worth noting that my sister has not invited us down to her place in the last eight years. They have a nice house in Novi, and we would be more than willing to take everyone out for dinner, bring our own (diet) pop and some veggie munchies, etc so we're not a big imposition on them. We have always spent Christmas Day with Bill's side of the family ever since we were together, since sis MUST always spend Christmas with her enormous family-in-law and their myriad holiday celebrations. We used to go to Indiana, but after my mother-in-law passed, the remaining family in that state doesn't seem to want to acknowledge the holiday. So Bill and I started hosting Christmas Dinner ourselves, inviting his stepdad, stepdad's girlfriend (my mother-OUT-law!), Bill's nephew and his wife, and anyone who co mes up from Indiana. We have been looking forward to serving our first Christmas dinner here since before we moved into our current home.

The nephew and his wife had a baby last April, and since they both work full time they really wanted to celebrate their daughter's first Christmas all by themselves, we graciously accepted their apologies. At that time, I started looking around for a place that might serve a Christmas buffet, but the only place I could find was the Doherty. I called the stepdad and invited him and his girlfriend to join us, our treat, because I really didn't feel up to cooking a big dinner for just four of us. At first he said he couldn't plan that far ahead. Then the day before Christmas Eve I called them again. This time he claimed he was "too busy" working on his tow truck. Now I happen to know he's been working on this truck for weeks and weeks. If he hasn't fixed it by now, what difference does it make if he takes a few hours off to have dinner with us??? So Wild Bill and I, childless orphans that we are, shared a lonely table for two at the Doherty.

Stage two this year happened to be the day after Christmas. Usually it's closer to New Year's Day, so this was a pleasant change. We have a bunch of exciting new changes here at our place we were dying to show them, and hoped they'd stay longer than their usual 3 hour max. Several years ago they told us that by the time they come North to see us after Christmas, they are ham/turkey/yammed right out, so our tradition is to eat something totally different, like lasagna, macaroni and cheese (the REAL kind done in an oven, not out of a box!!!). This year we decided to just run over to Pudgy's Diner for burgers. And crazy thing, even with the new driveway and garage, and driving around on the UTV and Bill getting out his outlaw lawn mower, Pudgy's was the highlight of their trip. Oh, and they arrived at 12:25 pm and left at 3:15pm, ten minutes shy of three hours.

Bill wanted to throw a New Year's Eve Day party this year. He invited his best friends, his nephew, some people he WANTED to be friends with, and some people he "had" to invite because they'd have been pissed if they knew we asked so-and-so and not them. We had a grand total of six people come, counting the two kids. Plus one puppy. They were the nephew (so we were able to give them belated Christmas gifts) and a guy Bill will be racing against a lot next year. No one arrived until almost dark, and everyone was gone by 8:00 pm. I did a head count of everyone who swore they were coming and came up with 20. Knowing that things always come up at the last moment, I reduced my count by 25% and ordered a snack tray for 13-19, grabbed some cookies off the shelf, a couple kinds of pop and some chips. Bill cut a bunch of firewood for a bonfire, plowed the trail through the woods and salted the driveway where people would be parking. And no one came. In fact, one of my closest friends, whom I knew probably couldn't come, sent me a private message on Facebook saying she couldn't come because she didn't have any gas money. But then further down my timeline, I saw she was at a bar in Saginaw. So........

2011 in my rearview mirror

This has been the biggest year of my life. The biggest change is the concept that I can have what I want,  in a timely manner, the way I want it. This is a first for me in my lifetime! I'd like to think that is hasn't changed me much, but who am I kidding?  I bought a house with acreage we didn't need,  just because I wanted "property." I bought a Ranger Crew Cab UTV just to have something to ride around in, even though there is seldom anyone here to go riding with. I bought I car I didn't even like, but only because my old reliable '95 Ford Taurus suddenly started falling apart at an alarming rate. I had a wheelchair ramp built outside my front door, even though I am not in a wheelchair. I bought a rolling walker and had the back steps and the deck steps both re-built so I can go out to the dog yard or into the back yard or over to the picnic shelter whenever I want to, even when there's no one around to help.

I am purposefully saying "I" instead of "we". The money for all these purchases and projects came from my inheritance, and I did all the planning, research, interviewing, hiring, firing, and bank account juggling. Bill just shows up at the end of the day and takes credit and ownership of it all. Yes, Bill's name is on the car, the Ranger, etc, etc. But I digress.

The driveway project finally got underway in October and took weeks instead of the few days I anticipated. Also I was not anticipating a full garage. But, I now have a full garage, and it will soon have automatic garage door openers and the chest freezer in it. My car, Bill's truck if he wishes, a snow shovel, some Saf-T Salt, and that's it. Nothing else of Bill's is allowed. I should have had Pete put up some shelves along the walls, just above head-height, then I could store a few things from the house out there, such as the Christmas tree, some of the ornaments, my diecast collection and anything else not likely to be damaged by damp air or mice.

I still find myself running around turning off lights and the TV when Bill leaves things on when he leaves the house. I still shop the sales at the supermarket and the dollar stores. I fret over the insane prices the Doherty Hotel charges for their holiday dinners now, when earlier this year they were so reasonable.

I have gotten fatter. I had to buy a size larger everything, and I'm not pleased. I am buying healthier food and eating so much better, with more fresh produce, more fiber, less junk food, and yet I've gained about 13 pounds this year. My house is so much bigger, I have a huge yard which I enjoy as often as I can, I'm on my feet and away from my desk more now than I've been in a decade. But I keep getting fatter. I also went the entire year without having an illness that kept me off my feet for more than a day at a time; had no diarrhea, no vomiting, no horrendous colds that made swallowing difficult. Maybe I need to have a bout of something, Bark Out Loud!

My brain is fine, and I have the scan results to prove it. So is my hearing and my heart. I confounded a neurologist when my nerve tests indicated that my legs are too "dead" for me to be able to walk, and yet I still do. I get to keep my transplanted kidney for another year. I am planning a charity lawn mower race to benefit the National Kidney Foundation and I volunteer some of my social networking time and work with a group that assists pet rescues. I quit going to church. Sorry, Lord, but I still feel that panic when anyone approaches me in a church setting. Whatever they want to ask me, the answer is "no." I don't want to serve on your committee, thank you. This is the biggest reason I fled Prince of Peace. Staying home Christmas Eve will feel odd.


That about covers it. Now I want to start looking forward to the next year and what changes I can bring about, now that I feel that I finally have a little control over my life.

Saturday Blues

11 am, and I was just struck by the knowledge that I've not been truly loved since my dog Tippy was put to sleep (behind my back) four years ago. And she may have been the only one, ever. So now I'm sitting here crying my eyes out because I feel so alone.

I knew long before I was grown that my mom didn't really feel that legendary "mother's love" toward me. I can't tell if it was just me she couldn't love or if she wasn't capable of that feeling, but she only went through the motions. Sometimes she didn't even pantomime if there was no audience.

I think Bill used to love me early in our relationship, but I think I wore him out with all my needs,inabilities and mood swings. He is so focused on his misery at work, there's no room for anything else in his heart. My sister is too bullied by her husband to be able to spend any time with me (or any other female he isn't related to), and of course my nephew mimics his father in acting like he's too cool for rural Harrison. So no other really "close" family, and although I think I'm well-liked by most people who know me, no really "close" friends, either.

So as the kids would say, fml.

Presents!!!

Today I received 3 early Christmas presents! I should say "we" received them, Bill and I, but who are we kidding?  They were given to make ME happy, mwahahahahahaaaa!

Vonnie made us this thing, I'm not sure what it's called but it's our last name stitched out in a white lace, matted in SAGE GREEN (they made a point of making sure I noticed the mat color!) and framed. A little more elegant than the Campbell's Soup magnets I have all over the fridge.  Mary made us a dried floral wreath, which we immediately hung in the living room over the couch, hiding that ridiculous hard-wired smoke detector.

The third thing was a latch-hooked I-dunno-what from Heather. It says Christmas 2011 and Cooper on it. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with it, so it's sitting on the floor under the tree and I suppose OUR Cooper will sleep on it. Their son's name is Cooper, too, so they are intrigued with my dog. I sent Cooper-the-child a camouflage-pattern union suit with a fake "trap door" in back, a plush toy Lightning McQueen, a plush toy  Mater, and a tee shirt that says "Don't look at me, that smell is coming from my Dad." Everyone loves the tee, can't imagine why. Hee!

Feel Good Story

I was mentioned today in a tweet by Michael Stevens, the morning weatherman on TV 9&10. Thanks to my re-tweeting his tweet about the two basset hounds who needed a new home TOGETHER, two lucky doggies went to their forever home this morning! It makes such a difference when I feel like I'm making a difference.

The Last Month

Now that the year is almost over, I feel like I should say something profound about 2011, but I'm fresh out of unique perspective. However, life if going well:  my new garage is about halfway built, my electric and cable lines are all underground, the tarp and the straw are cleared from my garage approach and I'm able safely and easily go from my front door to my car, the old garage and the yard.

The tree is up, the rest of the house is similarly decorated, and I'm ready to throw open the doors and invite the world inside! But everyone is too busy with other holiday obligations, so none of our friends or family has a moment to spend with us. Too bad, because we're FINALLY able to provide an attractive, relaxed, comfortable environment for our friends and family, to kick back or party on!


I think our problem is two-fold. One, the people we spent the last 20 years worth of holidays with are almost all dead. Also, all our friends come from large families and spend the holidays bouncing from one household to another, so no one invites us to come spend time with them (except for a couple of extremely uncomfortable households characterized by deplorable lack of hygiene and loud, shrill, inescapable noises).

So, poor us. We are planning a New Years Eve bash instead. Backyard bonfire, indoor food, and probably will heat the garage or pole barn as well. Starts during the day, bring your 4x4 or maybe even your snowmobiles IF we get any snow before then.